Boys and Girls

As I get older, I've seen a lot of people come and go in my life. At the moment, I feel as though I'm in some sort of transition period - only I'm not the one moving forward; everyone else is.
I've always had much better relationships with guys than girls. It's not that I don't like girls, but I'm just not...girly. I'd rather sit around and watch a game than go shopping, rather drink beer than martinis, rather talk about sports than clothes. And if you take a hard look, my closest girl friends have a lot of these qualities too. But the truth is, I have a lot more guy friends than I do girls.
Unfortunately, as I sit here, single at 26, I notice a pattern. Guys don't stick around. (We already know this, right?) My neighbor/co-worker and I spent a good four nights a week together last year, hanging out, watching tv, talking about life. I considered him a great friend. He moved away last summer, got back with his girlfriend, and I haven't spoken to him since his birthday...in October. Our mutual friend, who was part of our designated "Single Saturday" crew, recently got married and had a baby. We barely speak. These I can deal with. We were merely co-workers, not longtime friends.
But there are others. A guy I considered one of my closest friends since the 5th grade has gone through a lot of changes in the last year. A break-up followed by a new relationship that was very tumultuous at first. So who did he call when all this was happening? Who knew every detail of his life, the ONLY person who knew every detail of his life? Me. Of course. How many hours did we spend on the phone, talking through life's obstacles, sharing opinions, being completely honest with each other. Countless hours. And yet I told him the whole time that our relationship would never survive his new relationship. And it hasn't. Another friend, lost to another woman. Just a picture on my refrigerator, another part of my past.
I mean, I understand. Girls and guys can't really be friends once someone gets into a relationship. But it doesn't make it any easier.
I've always had one of those visual minds. Numbers sit on a line from left to right. Days look like a calendar, every Sunday starting over like pressing return on a typewriter. And these boys sit there in my mind, all of them, and they are breaking into groups. The single ones stay on the right. The others move to the left.

New job.

Left.

New baby.

Left.

New girlfriend.

Left.


I had two imaginary friends when I was little. One of the clearest memories I have is the two of them walking down the middle of a road in my head. I suppose this is my clearest memory because it is probably when I let them go, and grew up. Anyway, the sun is setting in front of them as they walk toward it. All I can see is the silhouettes of my friends, slowly walking, slowly shrinking into the distance.
And now I see these boys the same way. Shrinking. Heading off into the distance, leaving behind memories, and a little girl who still isn't ready to grow up.

Stuck

Well, it has certainly been awhile. That seems to be the theme in my writer's autobiography - write heatedly, passionately, and quickly...and then rest for a while. But recently I have been taking some time to read the blogs of others, and of course (not to be outdone), it makes me feel as though I should be writing, and once again the embers of the composer inside of me have begun to glow and spark.
It seems I blog in order to vent. Not purposely, of course, but unfortunately, times of stress, or anger, or worry usually bring about the need to write. So here I am...
Feeling stuck.
Is stuck the right word?? I'm not sure.
Don't get me wrong, I love modern technology. I love that I can be driving in my car, receive an email on my iPhone, open it and its attachments, read and respond in a matter of seconds. But with that instantaneous connection inevitably comes pressure. And it's really starting to get to me.
1.) I love my job, my co-workers, my students, my players, and 2.) I absolutely wouldn't do anything else with my life but 3.) seriously, this job never ends. There is never one moment of the day where I feel completely caught up - where no one needs the gym opened, no one needs me to text so-and-so to ask thim this-and-that, when there's no summer league game to attend, where an email isn't coming in about somewhere or something I need to go or do, or more often than not, forgot to go, or do.
Sometimes I just want to turn off the switch. To just stop for a second, turn off my phone, my BRAIN, for God's sake!!! Just silence. No one can reach me. No one NEEDS me.
I guess this sounds self-centered, but I mean the exact opposite. People can certainly get along without me, that's not what I mean. I have this vision in my head where I'm sitting on a beach. I don't know how I got there - I'm sure the journey was stressful, but I'm just sitting there, soaking up the sun, sipping a cool drink, and in my quiet little expanse of beach, things are moving, but the rest of the world is on pause. Stopped - not moving foward. There is no incessant tick, tick, ticking of clocks counting more minutes, hours, days of my life until the next thing I have to do. No one is dialing my number, typing in my email address, asking someone to get a hold of me. You cannot imagine how pleasing a thought this is for me.
That will never happen, though. As much as I'd like to pause, to "live deep and suck out all the marrow of life," life moves on. There is always more to do.
As I write this, I was asked to text all my players and see how many could make a summer league practice tonight. Ten texts, ten responses, ten more texts to say "yes, there is a practice" or "no, there is not a practice." Nope, no pause button.
But a girl can dream...